Conquering Fears......

Tomorrow, I leave for Milwaukee.....

Sunday, I take on my first road race since I bounced across the hood of the SUV that knocked me off my bike, the one that convinced the police she stopped in time and I fell as a result of being startled.....

Sunday, I defeat that ghost.

Sunday, I show the world.... that I can still fight, that I can still train hard and that I can still be the best athlete I can possibly be.... yes, I am a long way from the athletic ability that I once was... I am carrying more body fat (blech), I am not as fast as I was, and I still get tired and ichy feeling when training is too much......

But none of that matters!

ON SUNDAY, I take it all on...... and regardless of the outcome, because I have the courage to step up to the starting line, I am victorious.

Some of you have verbalized (out loud and to my face) that I train too much, I play to hard or you don't get it. YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!!!

I TRAIN BECAUSE I CAN! I TRAIN BECAUSE I LOVE IT! I TRAIN BECAUSE........ and I am glad that I still have the ability to put one foot in front of the other and compete.

I am proud of myself for the journey I have taken to get back to competing.... and I am looking forward to continuing to compete.... The journey has just begun!!!! And I have succeeded.

Sometimes.....

....it just feels right.

This mornings run... well, the warm-up. WHAT A STRUGGLE. I felt like I had forgotten how to run.... and then, I hit a certain spot in my warm-up and bang!! I was moving.... the rhythm was there. And I felt good.

Breathing on the other hand was another issue.

But here I am several days out from the marathon, and I should be feeling something.... and I feel tired. Tired from the hormones in my body right now, tired from the little bit of work I have done.... and just struggling to find a rhythm with my running.

The good news: my weight has not fluctuated. I went up 2# and returned back 2# .... and today, the weight stayed the same. I could look at it as bad news... but since I am in the midst of monthly hormonal and body changes, I am glad there is no fluctuations. I am also surprised there are no cravings. I had a taste of red velvet cake icing (the cake doesn't taste good to me anymore) and the icing was ok. (It is interesting the differences in cravings since eating Paleo).

I am looking forward to a new program after the marathon.

I want to build a solid foundation of running and swimming and rowing.... and biking when it is nice to go out on the trails this fall and winter. (I hate indoor cycling-- even on the trainer-- and since I teach several spin classes a week, I am getting my cycling in). I also think I might do some water running and create some variety there. My body weight training will become a focus as well..... as I move forward to lose the remaining weight, keep my challenges for myself and my students AND lay the foundation for an awesome running and triathlon season for 2011!

Until then..... i found my rhythm today. Sunday, I hope it returns.

Bad Dreams....

I woke at 4.30 am from a bad dream about my pending marathon.

I wasn't in the right city at the right race, and my shoes kept getting bigger as I ran.......

fortunately, it was just a dream.

Although, I am not feeling ready by any stretch of the imagination for this race.

Paleo -- Day Ten

I have completed ten days on the Paleo Diet. After some noise from others, regarding my choices, I was like.... whatever. And I have managed to complete ten days.

I weighed in yesterday, and found I gained 2 pounds. I wasn't truly annoyed, as I am pre-menstrual and normally, I would gain 5 or more pounds of water weight. Additionally, I have little to no symptoms. Hmmmmm....... I am tired today... it is probably a combination of exhaustion from thursdays and hormones. AND my normal cravings are practically non-existent. In fact, I am craving a good piece of fish and some broccoli.... much different than the junk, and sugars and salts I am normally craving.....

I have also noticed that I can smell salt and I can smell sugar. A guy opened a bag of potato chips on the train the other day, and the salt was overwhelming. Interesting?

I will report in on this in ten days. I am resting today.... Thursdays kick my butt.

A Sunday Ride

Sunday, yesterday, I found myself voyaging south on the canal to work with a client. And so, I seized the opportunity to bike to and fro her house.

A gorgeous day greeted me. Was a bit concerned as I was somewhat awake until 3am. Not my ideal, but I was able to get enough sleep before I went out. I ate a solid breakfast comprised of two scrambled eggs, some olives and pineapple.

And I prepared my water, my bars, my fuel for the ride so to speak..... AND off I went to ride 30miles one-way.

The canal was full of people, so my choice to ride at a moderate tempo was wise. (Wish people knew how to share). And the ride went smoothly.

I drank all the water in my camelback reservoir and refilled at Dunkin Donuts before finishing the last of the trip to my clients home. I also drank water in DD and had one of my 'energy' bars.

The return trip was easy until I hit the 45-50 mile mark in my journey. That is when I got tired. I stopped and ate another bar, drank some of my amino vital, and enjoyed sitting on a bench. My abs were tired and I was struggling with them not cramping. My legs struggled, not with pedaling, but with strength getting on and off the bike.

I got to the point where I am less than 2miles from home, and there is a big spill-way on the canal, that dips like a 'stunt-hill.' I always walk that and I struggled with my quad strength walking down and then back up the hill. And I got back on the bike for the remainder of the trip home.

ONCE home, I showered and ate and watched a CSI episode to unwind and felt myself fighting with sleep. When I decided to go to sleep, I found my Right Vastus Medialis (inner quad) had cramped... and ow, ow, ow.... pain like I cannot describe. To circumvent, I licked the 'shots' worth of salt and drank some water. And eventually the cramp subsided.

I am glad Mondays are a scheduled rest day. My body needs to recover. I feel a little 'achy' from the distance, but I don't feel like I cannot move. The struggle to finish was a good one, and I am glad I accomplished this. I do know I need a new mountain bike though.

Saturday Night Run

WELL, late afternoon actually..... to escape the religion on tv that permeates this house on Saturdays..... and the humdrum and monotony of waiting for someone to turn off the TV so others can exist in the house.....

And so, off I went. The goal to run the 7-mile loop.... well, i finished the 7-mile loop, but not exactly running. And I have a marathon in two weeks.... well, I am just going to go do what I can, and take it as it is.... this summer was impossible and challenging beyond belief with training.

In the midst of this run, I felt distracted. Personal life creeping in....

Much going on.... and much to think about.....

And I was simply reminded to breathe.

Thursdays Kick My Butt....

Literally.

I get home and I am ready to sleep by 8pm. And well, I don't have to stay up to 'please' anyone... if I am tired, I do the smart thing and go to sleep.

Part of this could be because I am back in the school term and haven't grasped my schedule yet. Part of it could be the combination of training and work throughout the week. Part of it could be the eating drama on Thursdays. I have two classes back-to-back, and ten minutes to prepare for the next class and eat. The second class is a spinning class, so I cannot eat too much. I ate some fruit and had some protein in a bottle.

But when I finally do get home, I am spent. The day is done. And I find myself falling asleep.

Diet.....

It is often interesting, sometimes funny, actually very sad what people think when you say the word diet. I shared about following Paleo for the next 50 days (starting today) on Face Book as well as other social networks... and it is interesting the response. The athletes in the group were like share with us your experience.... they know what it is. The non-athletes and those who are seeking something to follow or do... asked questions like, What is that? How long do you have to follow it? Is it a program that tells you what you need to do when and what to eat?

So we are clear, when I say diet, I am referring to eating habits, lifestyle, choices regarding food. I am not referring to something one goes on for two weeks to starve and then returns to normal eating.

I have found consistency in my exercise programming, especially in the last two weeks, as summer and travel create their own challenges. I know something is not quite right.... so, the best place to start is with food.... NOT only what I am eating, but when I am eating it... in relation to the time of day, in relation to my competing, in relation to hunger. AND am I eating enough or not enough.

The next 50 days (in my last 100) is about getting that down.... b/c I wonder sometimes, if I am eating enough. AND if I am not, that would contribute to the challenges of fat loss. And so, I am going to experiment with my protein (yes, animal) intake and see what needs to be done. I do love fruits and veggies, but I also enjoy animal protein, and while we tend to eat too much of it as a country in the USA, I need something to rectify my challenges as I am facing them.

And so..... my diet is about a lifestyle change. My diet is about changing habits. My diet is about me and my life..... (some call it eating clean..... i will call it the cave woman).

JOIN me if you like.

Back to the Paleo....

It is Day 51 of my 100-day challenge (day 12 with my students) and I suspect that I am not getting enough protein or BCAAs (branch-chain amino acids). While I am eating plenty of fruits and vegetables, I don't know if I am eating enough calories in general.

And I remembered a conversation I had at the beginning of the year with a nutritionist..... At the time, she asked me if I was hungry at the end of the day, and thought I wasn't getting enough protein or calories.... I increased the calories and well, I wonder if I am not getting enough protein.

So, I am refocusing (again) on my eating-- and will be comprehensively following the Paleo Diet.... I am permitted to eat as much lean meats, poultry, seafood, fresh fruit and veggies as I want, and limited nuts (like a handful of almonds).

I cannot eat cereal or grains, dairy products, high-glycemic fruits or veggies, legumes, alochol, salty foods, fatty meats, refined sugars or nearly all processed foods.

The caveat surrounds my training and competition.... Since the book, The Paleo Diet for Athletes contains the guidelines, I will be following the advice for pre and post exercise meals, which can include sweet potatoes, bananas, yams, or melons.

And of course a cup of coffee..... every day.

I look forward to sharing my experiences.

The difference of a week.

Last Monday, I went out for a run...... trying to put together my scattered training of this summer..... And I struggled. It was by far the beginning of the toughest run ever. And the distance was irrelevant. I ran the loop by the cemetery and did more walking than running...... and continued with my week.

Friday, I hit exhaustion. And today, I went out for a 55 minute run (5-mile loop) because I did not run yesterday.

I wasn't concerned with speed. I was concerned with consistency in pace and finishing strong.

And so, I ran. AND I ran. And I ran..... and I finished strong. I even pushed myself the last 400m to finish strong. (still need to work on that).

And then I did my 2 x 20 sec sprints. And those while challenging, felt strong.

Shall we call today a success?

And in the midst of my frustration.....

I stumbled across this web-site that promised to reveal the secrets to fat burning......

After watching the video, well part of it.... i lost my patience, I learned for just $40 (for a value of over $400) I too could have a 31 day fat-loss program.... as seen on TV..... and I too could learn the secrets that only this person knows......

AND I would only have to work out 10 minutes/day.......

and for a minute the part of me that wants a quick fix, was tempted to 'whip out my credit card' and then the part of me who is working really hard to return to the competition circuit, thought i would rather use the $40 for something to do with my training/competing, like a new swim suit.

The reality..... there are no secrets.

The reality.... some people make it seem like 'cardio' is not fun!!!!

The reality.... i love running, biking, swimming.... and yes, i need to be consistent in my strength workouts, b/c they will keep my moving fast through the race.....

The reality..... everyone is trying to sell you something.

So, i am going to continue pressing forward on my journey. Because I am an athlete.

DAY 50 of 100

Half-way through my personal 100 day challenge...... (and day 11 of my college kids).

How am I doing?

-- up to this point in the challenge, I struggled with consistency in my training and workouts. This week.... I worked out five of the seven days. And I was supposed to train Friday, but I felt achy, so I took the day off and was able to conquer the ride yesterday.

--eating: is still some drama.... i do eat primarily fruits and veggies... but I will be honest, I broke down and blew off the 21-day vegan.... I was sooooo hungry. So, back to Paleo it is. I was proud of myself, I picked up chips at the store yesterday, looked at them and put them back down.

--weight loss: this one I don't get.....I was down a pound on wednesday, and today, I am back up five pounds. Seriously. Five pounds in three days? How does that happen? Sometimes, I really hate being female. I don't get it...... I need to spend the next 50 days really evaluating my eating and creating consistency.

And I need to figure it out.... b/c I hate this. And of course the inches that were lost, are pretty much gone too.... LIKE SERIOUSLY. WHAT IS THAT?

*I am not going to starve myself, but I need to figure out beside female hormones, why I

am clinging to the weight that I drop some and jump right back to where I was. That is

truly depressing, if nothing else.

--I need to also be consistency in my weight training. I should be doing 15-20 minutes daily. And to date, it has been sporadic. This may create some changes in the fat loss.

And so, I am half-way through my challenge.... and I have plans for the next 50 days!

(and then the next 89 with my students. I trust something will come of this).

Remembering.....

Yesterday..........

11 September 2010.... and on 11 September 2001, my country was attacked. I was in NYC that day.... fortunately, my life was spared. I was at 91st and York working at Asphalt Green, and someone said it was on the radio that a commuter plane hit the world trade center, and then another..... and I remember chaos. It was surreal....

The pool closed.

We went across the street to watch the news. We watched the second tower fall. We were told we could use the facility as a 'safe-house.'

And I remember watching the phone.... many calls coming in.... and until the satellite was overhead, I couldn't connect. I finally did. It was my sister.... I told her that I was safe... and that I would be emailing mom a list of people to phone.... to let them know I was ok.

And then the day began. I spent several hours at a friends house. And then when they announced that the ferries were taking people back home to NJ, I walked...... down to chelsea piers..... to get on a ferry.... to go to weehawken..... to walk...... up the staircase on the palisade..... to union city and home.

After all that walking, I climbed in the shower and took the longest and hottest shower possible.... AND I crawled into bed and didn't move for a couple days.

Yesterday, I shed a tear at the memory of the loss.... and I remembered. And I knew I was blessed because I have life.... and I went for a bike ride.

To celebrate life and to remember.

Knowing When to Rest

And so....... this morning was a tough one. I woke feeling like I was fighting a cold, and I know I am not.... took my supplements (i had forgotten those this week, oops... and my training increased. that's when i need those most). And contemplated my training for the day......

I know I needed to move.... how much was going to happen is actually another issue. So, instead of truly pushing myself and pushing a 7-miler that would have been counter-productive, I chose to go for a walk. And walk, I did..... I walked a 5k loop and felt my muscles relaxing and letting go.... (i felt all the aches from training this week this morning)..... and then I enjoyed a cup of coffee and finished my walk home.

A hot shower is in order.... and I will see later if I am up to tackling the 7-miler. If not, I can take care of it tomorrow. My body might need the day off. My body might be begging for a break.

Exhaustion

I have spent the week training..... and I still have three days of this week. I am spent.

I am following the protocol as if I were training for an iron-man, although the goal is a half-iron.... and well, i could change my mind. (I would rather spend the time building a strong foundation so that I have more options). The result.... I am doing more biking and less running.

I am ok with that.... but i am concerned about this pending marathon. So, I am doing some juggling in my training to get the mileage in.

Last night, I arrived home and crashed after eating. That might have something to do with the minimal eating time, from my teaching schedule on Thursdays. I teach two back to back classes and both are activity classes.... so eating on Thursdays will be a challenge. I ate and fell asleep watching a moment of tv and went to bed.... it was early. Dark outside, but still early.

(Wasn't it a couple weeks ago that the sun was out until after 8pm?)

And this morning has been a slow morning. I am supposed to run 30 minutes. I am going to attempt an easy 7-miles. I need to put some work on the pavement. And of course drama with gadgets and the like. I am just going to see how I feel. I might need the day off.... my body will tell me so.

SWIM!

I managed to swim most of the 1600 yards that I was scheduled to swim.

I felt distracted..... my feet and calves wanted to cramp. BOO! So, I was trying to swim more than free-style to prevent this. And after a summer of traveling more than i swam, my swim felt weak. I had the endurance capability. I didn't feel surrounded by water when I was swimming.....

honestly, i think i was annoyed...... the two lifeguards at the pool did not acknowledge me when i arrived (i was the only swimmer).... i asked for a kickboard and was directed by a point, as if the two had something better to do. and when i got in the water..... the two were texting, reading a book, magazines... and whatever else one who is supposed to be watching a swimmer in the water should not be doing. it really annoyed me.

granted i totally get that the job can be boring..... swimmers go back and forth and back and forth and you are to watch them.... but i wonder what would have happened if i needed help. would i have had to rescue myself? i know i can do that... but seriously, these guys were being paid to watch and protect me.... and their reading/texting material seemed more important than me.

and what frustrated me even more.... when i said something, candidly.... 'i didn't realize this job was so simple now, one can read a book while doing it'.... i was told that they were *watching* the pool. i just said....if you were watching the pool, you would not have been reading. i have been a lifeguard (still am) longer than you have been alive, and you don't read when on duty......

i don't understand. doesn't anyone take pride in their work?

so, my first swim at the college was ok. i bet those guys are better behaved when i swim again.

A run in the Morning....

Scheduled for today is a 40 minute run and 1600 yards of swim.

I woke before the sun and headed out on my run.... it was hard and slow. I get my summer running plan has been lacking, but wow-o-wow.... the legs felt like lead....

In that, I just chose to be mindful of the run, and not worry about the tempo... and complete the run with good form. (Speed can come later). I didn't feel like not running, I just struggled with coordination. The decision to focus on form was a wise one as I found I was running a fairly decent tempo toward the end.

The 2 x 20 second 'relaxed sprints' or strides are what killed me. Here to, I felt flat.... so, i just focused on strides and pushing myself through it.

And my legs are spent.

I hope the swim goes better.

Biking....

This am...... i decided after my 60 minute bike ride to determine how far i am actually biking. (Enter map my ride). It is a free site that you can track your ride progress to see how far you actually rode and check your progress with time, speed, or however else you want to measure your work.

I fairly accurate in my guess of the distance.... i thought it was less than 10 miles one way and greater than 5 miles. The distance from my house to the path/trail I get on is 1.14 miles and the total one-way trip is 7.24 miles. My guess was right.

I start my clock when I get on the path and I am able to get to my turn around point in 25 minutes. (I remember when that was 28 minutes-- so, i am pretty excited about the improvement).

The plan this morning was a 60 minute ride with 6 x 20 sec bursts (or step-ups) with a 2 minute recovery. It is in these 20 second sprints I am pushing with everything I have.

I am finding that I am stronger and able to push harder and my overall ride is getting faster-- although this morning, I felt spent in the last portion of my ride.... after the sprint work.

Might have been the limited breakfast. Might be the change in diet starting yesterday. Might have been the fact that it is Tuesday.

Who knows? I am looking forward to strength work later. For now, food, shower and mani/pedi.... not necessarily in that order.

Labor Day.....

And according the school calendar, this was the last 'day' of summer..... although we have until 23 september.... but alas, school begins for many tomorrow.

I enjoyed a somewhat quiet day-- relaxing and sleeping in this morning.... and then lifestyles collided. The people with whom I reside see absolutely nothing wrong with spending hours on end watching television like mindless robots..... and as the day progresses the volume gets louder.... and it makes it extremely challenging for others do reading, or work, or anything else.... as the two televisions encompass the whole house as the volume goes up. I feel quite often that my only escape is to go out... somewhere that is not here, and I end up wasting much valuable time not doing anything. It is accepted that desks are not necessary and that it is appropriate to do work on one's bed.... which is not good for the body and is not a good habit to adopt. My bed is and should be for sleeping. (Granted, i do enjoy from time to time a lazy day in bed with a movie or two).

*As I write this, the television from the other side of the house is blaring. I can hear the episode of the program verbatim as if I was sitting there watching it. And it is sad, the party who is absorbed is probably sitting right in front of the tv.*

Anyway.... it is a choice I have made....... TO NOT PERMIT TELEVISION TO RULE MY LIFE.

And a quote was sent to me this morning..... we become what we spend our time doing.

As I was working on my lectures/projects for the coming week.

Eating today was fairly simple. I need to eat shortly.... I am hungry after my run. The no meat monday/vegan combination was simple. I have been here before.

I was lazy this am and decided to run this afternoon. I am glad I have been cycling... it has helped with the endurance and my ability to recovery after high-intensity. I do need to do road work daily..... or at least five days a week.... an easy 5k, as I was struggling maintaining.... granted, some could be the still dry weather, some could be the time off I have taken with travels.... The reality: Milwaukee is less than a month away. I think I would like to run a very good half-marathon to twenty-miles and an easy 'coast' on the last part of the race.

So, my day was super. Tomorrow, I am cycling in the morning, road-work and kettle bells in the evening. I am looking forward to the adventure.

Vegan for 21 Days.....

One of my g-friends recruited me.... to do this with her for motivation.

She is interested in the vegan lifestyle, the veggie predominant journey. IN this she asked me to join her for the next 21 days... to observe a vegan diet. (My caveat: cream in my coffee!)

And so, this will become interesting and creative...... I had followed a vegan lifestyle for 6 weeks at another time... and learned to eat more veggies, and not make such BIG deal about food, but to just enjoy it. The result was interesting.... I still like meat. I enjoy the taste, texture, smell, etc.... but I don't need to eat it. The meat became a garnish so to speak.

It will become further interesting as I have since learned (and why I follow Paleo), that I am sensitive to soy, and legumes and beans as well as grains. I am going to play with these options for the next 21 days in support of my friend. She has agreed that if I am struggling with my health, I can have a piece of fish to get through.

I am seeking to create and eat the equivalent of two large salads a day and continue with my pursuit of different fruits to eat. (as discussed in EAT to Live)....

And at the end of the 21 days..... I hope my friend is satisfied with her journey.

Frustrated....

Weekly weigh in..... grrrrrr. I am up 3#... after mid-week, being down .4. I don't get it.

And that is when I feel frustrated......

Granted, I have had a lazy week after returning from Arizona. And I find it is easy to be lazy....

So, I need to work on not being LAZY! and realize my frustration is self-afflicted.

I also ate non-paleo foods yesterday-- peanut butter and mashed potatoes.... they tasted good, i enjoyed them... but it was somewhat anti-climatic actually. So, i might be retaining some water weight as a result, if they caused that....

But the truth, my consistency has tapered off instead of working more diligently, in this hot, ugly summer weather.... some days, i just didn't have the desire to go sweat... and then mornings that I was actually able to sleep under a blanket, I wanted to stay there.

I have learned though that.... I rarely have the motivation or energy to workout in the evening. I am usually spent.

So, with that said.... I have learned yet another thing about me on Day 43/100, (day 4 with my student's) and the 22nd day of my new year. (one would think i am enjoying counting.... i am not).

So, I have 57 more days of my personal journey to create lasting lifestyle and create a better scenario for me. My goal for my journey with my students (granted there is some overlap in my journey) is to lose 25 to 30# and over the next year.... get the maximum from my life... in whatever I do.

OK, off for a run now...

When lifestyles collide.....

In my pursuit of excellence, I am making strides to enjoy life more........

and in this pursuit, the people in the house in which I live, are 'roadblocks' in my journey.

Their lifestyle and choices are in direct conflict with mine..... their choices contradict mine.

And it is challenging. And it is frustrating.

While I desire to not fall into the traps of their choices, sometimes it is challenging to stay focused when surrounded with negativity. And while I am working on making changes in my living arrangement, I need to stay the course in the meantime and keep working toward my goals.

I write this as a reminder that I need to stay true to me.

New Challenges (cont)....

The school term started this week. Because I love the idea of the 100-day challenge, my students are participating. To keep these fine students motivated, I am doing the challenge too..... included in my classes are the Tour de NJCU (a 120-mile staged bike race) and the NJCU Ironman. Both the tour and the ironman will be logged and completed over a 10-week period. Just another goal for my students to strive for.

To keep things simple, I will just continue looking at my personal 100-day challenge and tracking my year. It is now Day 40 of 100...... I am approaching the half-way mark. I am looking forward to the temperatures to drop, so training will be easier.

I am looking forward to the hurdles I will step over as I am working with my students (and participating in the events). I hope to start seeing my six-pack again at the end of this semester.

More importantly, I am looking forward to continuing to build a positive relationship with myself and the world around me.

September Begins

Welcome September.

I have a month until Milwaukee (not ready). I have hours before my first class, as the college term starts tonight (more ready). And I did an impromptu weigh-in after my frustration from the earlier part of the week with hormonal-female stuff. (I should know better.... don't get on the scale, but I wanted to see how I did in Arizona...... and well, you know).

And so, impromptu weigh-in.... I am down .8# and - .5" from my waist and my body fat dropped .6%. (and i wonder how some people do those radical major drops.... in their measurements).

I observed this morning that I can run faster..... need to work on the endurance of that faster tempo. And I need to work on consistency. The traveling has caught up to me.

This afternoon, I will be cycling for an hour with 6 x 20 sec step-ups and a 2 minute recovery. I am looking forward to this, as I haven't been on my bike in a week. It will be nice to return. I have also decided I will be repeating my training for this week, next week.... and while increasing the mileage for the marathon.

Consistency is turning out to be the key. I look back at the training for the year and june, july and august contained the least training mileage of the whole year. While March for some reason contained the most. And so, consistency is necessary to accomplish what I need to.....

Not only in my eating (which I am comfortable and confident with), but with the mileage and the strength workouts.

And so, I am off to cycle and teach..... I will let you know how that goes....

I have a pile of clothes.....

that i can wear successfully when i lose at least ten pounds.

I think all women have a pile of clothes like that.... we have our fat clothes, our skinny clothes and many other clothes in between. I had bought a ton of clothes for the time period that I would return to competition weight.... post-cycling accident.

And somehow, I haven't been motivated enough (until now) to get to that pile of clothes.

I am excited.... i am wearing (a little snug) shorts that are just a single size larger than the pile of clothes. And I am starting to feel more comfortable in t-shirts and casual wear that is somewhat more snug.

But I am still very aware. Very conscientious of my extra body fat, my imperfections. I am trying to get out of the habit of wearing clothes to 'hide' my body and be realistic that those clothes don't really hide you.... they just make you look bigger, unless you are truly too small to be wearing those and then you look like you are wearing clothes that are just too big!

So, I want to be able to pass on those clothes.... the hiding clothes.

(Don't get me wrong I love LARGE SIZED hoodies-- especially in the winter or in the chill of a summer evening or the late fall or after a good run.... but there is a difference between wearing the super-sized hoodie and wearing clothes to hide in).

And my journey continues.......